I was reading my favorite poem,
I was twirling in my dress,
I had taught the animals to speak,
I was the Princess to guide you to the stars,
Constantly losing and constantly gaining,
Constantly retracing and constantly pacing,
Constantly sleeping and constantly awakening,
Constantly hurting and constantly laughing,
Constantly falling and constantly growing,
Constantly tiring and constantly pumping,
Constantly dying and constantly living.
It confuses me sometimes,
How we learnt to live this way,
Unsure, unwilling, unhappy yet brave,
Wishing for a longer night,
Hoping for a better day,
Unabashed for who we are,
Unaware of who we may,
Seconds seeming longer to hold,
Years passing without a trace,
Running without direction around a maze,
Yearning for opportunities to wait,
If only life could pause a moment,
Everything would perhaps fall into place.
We have seen atleast one Extrovertist Introvert in all phases and spaces of our lives. He is the person who dances crazily all night in the bar but goes home to binge watch his favorite videos alone. She is the person who shops latest trends with her friends all day but takes a different route home to spend her evening in the park alone. He is the person who is popular for his sense of humor but is always seen hanging out alone. She is the kind of the person who sets higher benchmarks at work but tries all weekend to ace that new photography skill alone.
They are the individuals whom everybody think they know, who speak up their minds, who are famous for their skills and talents and are not afraid to show them. They are also the people whom nobody knows, who follow their hearts quietly, who are everyday fighting their flaws all the while hiding themselves from others.
You have seen these people, fancied them, met them, befriended them and maybe even dated them. Some of them amazed you, some swayed you away with their awe and charm and some disappointed you. With some you fell in love seeing the extra in their ordinary and some seemed to be a let down when their extra displayed an ordinary.
They are the artists who manage to paint their faces with the brightest of smiles each morning even though they had cried their eyes out last night. They are the soldiers who are constantly battling inside each second but seem like they have everything under control on the outside. They are the accountants who have to keep a track of their weak moments so that it doesn’t show. They are the lovers who have been admired just for their shine because if they stop, they lose their worth.
Some of us are such persons, trying to keep our heads above the water, looking for our parts of the world, painting our beautiful stories and smiling at our secret selves.
They are the people who are available for everyone, who seem so strong on the outside that they are forgotten to be cared for. They are the jokers who make you laugh so hard that you fail to perceive their sadness inside their eyes. They are the extremists who surprise you by their open-minded understanding. They are the accepting hugs who don’t see your scars but only your spirit which has the power to overcome them all.
They are your best friends, they notice when you try and reassure when you fail. They are your leaders, who strive till the end up motivating you to not give up. They are your healers, who make you realize that life isn’t that hard and you have the power to live it the way you want. They are your teachers, who see your outstanding potential and nurture you to put it to your best use.
They are the folks who have lived life on both sides of the coin. They have debated with the so-called rules of life and applied their own versions of them. They have been the followers of the crowd and have had many others following them. These wonderful humans have seen universe conspiring ruthlessly and welcomed the magic it brings with it. They are the unstoppable fighters who keep the Earth spinning on its feet even when it becomes too heavy to just stand.
These are the giant blissful extroverts who can fit the chaotic world into themselves and these are also the wonderful minute introverts whom this chaotic world fails to fit in itself.
Growing up in a world preaching about the importance of good actions, I was always cautious about the consequences of my deeds on other people.
So every day at night, I used to introspect my day’s actions and their consequences on other people. What I discovered was that no matter how much I tried, I always ended up hurting somebody, and thus began my journey to be the most apologetic person you could ever meet. I used to feel so guilty of the damages done to the other people that day, that the next day, I would devise ways to make it right. My todays began to be more about fixing yesterday’s actions rather than focusing on that day’s necessities.
Then, one day when I couldn’t fix anymore, I decided that I don’t need to be worried about hurting everybody, just the right people. The people who did good to the world, and always took the right decision. This came with the tedious task of choosing who fell in that group and that’s when it struck me, I was bad at making judgments. I was so scared of judging anyone wrongly, that I would always found a way to be more understanding towards them and then this time I embraced worrying about everyone. THIS WAS THE BIGGEST MISTAKE I HAD EVER DONE.
What I forgot to consider was, that while being fair to everybody, I started being unfair to myself. And this is awakened the devil inside me. Every good deed I did for others, subconsciously triggered a counter selfish deed and before I realized it, I had a reward planned for myself for each of my ‘selfless’ deeds and then later a sacrifice to make up of for my guilt for wanting the reward in the first place. My mind was caught in the endless cycle of doing what I should do and what I wanted to do and it was eating me up with every passing moment. I struggled to find a way out. I was far from the shore and drowning each day till one day when I couldn’t even make it through the next minute. The cycle now took seconds instead of days to toss itself between the extremes and I was gagged between the two trying to figure out my next move towards the day. I felt sorry for myself and apologetic for each second of my existence. My anxiety had managed to get the better of me and I found myself staring into the dark and the only way I could think of snapping out of it was shutting those voices out even if it meant letting go of the ‘amazing’ future it promised me. Because I couldn’t be a better person tomorrow if I was not able to decide what was better for myself today.
One thing I would like to share about anxiety is that it grips your confidence. It makes you question everything that ever made you happy and blames you for everything that didn’t. You get so scared about screwing your future up that you over-think your each step and in the process of being extra-cautious, hinder the natural course of the things. So you have to start fighting it yourself, from wherever you are, whenever you can. I started it by trying to trust myself again, taking one day at a time and trying to be sure just about making the next step right and not think about the future. I am still doing that hoping that one day my fears will go away and my mind will again be able to make good, balanced decisions (those I won’t be apologetic for).
I ask the person reading this, if you relate to it and are looking for a way out, try separating your instincts from your anxious impulses. You will definitely be able to find your way out of the dark. Also, remember one thing, often what happens in our minds is directly related to the things happening in our lives. If possible, try to distance yourself from all the negative people around you. Your mind will tell you to not abandon them as you might have said or done something wrong to them too but it is highly probable that they are using your doubts to manipulate you. Moving away from them will give you a clearer picture and you will be able to evaluate things in a more logical way. After evaluating the bigger picture, if you think that they aren’t as negative as they seemed to be, go back to them but just instead of apologizing for all the wrong things, try to talk to them and tell them what made you doubt them. It the care for you, they will be truthful to you and you both can find a solution to make things work.
If you do not relate to it but have a friend who is facing a similar situation, please do help them. Sometimes, you just need to talk to the other person and show them how silly their doubts are and they go away easily. But if you cannot, at least be kind and compassionate to them. Fighting your inner battles ain’t easy and the fact that they wake up each day to do that shows how strong they are. On the other side, if they aren’t able to wake up another day, respect them for trying till now. Many times, all the motivation that a person needs to keep fighting is an acknowledgment of their bravery in their previous battles.
If you are both the person going through the same and having a friend going through it too, you have a chance to fight together. If you cannot see a way out of your darkness, look through the darkness of others. Many times in these cases, we are able to see what’s right and wrong for the other person than we can for yourself. Once you see that, think if there is a possibility that you might be confusing the same rights and wrongs. Your friends problem may act as mirrors of your own and soon you will be able to figure out solutions for your problems. Fight for each other, tell them where you think its their anxiety that’s acting instead of them and give them strength to take control of their actions again. Lighting candles for each other will ward away your darkness as well.
If you are none of the other persons, I am very glad that you have been able to hold your ground this far. Keep believing in yourself, stay logical and kind in your decisions and just make sure that your fears only make you alert, not weak. Never let your worries cripple your thoughts and if they do, find their source and fix them. Because apologetic or not, you did try your best AND THAT IS ENOUGH.
You gave your heart to someone, it was magical, the stars signaled for it, the universe conspired it, your partner was perfect, everything just fit. But then they started to fall apart. The stars took a different direction, the universe bumped into other signals, your lover turned their back to you and everything you clung on suddenly collapsed.
I am not going to tell you that it’s okay. It’s not. It hurts, it pains, it fills you with regrets. You will go through the conversations again. Try to find faults and fix them. Fill up your mind with what-ifs. For all the stupid fights you had, for all the wrong words that were said, for everytime you took a lie too far and for every little act wasn’t supposed to be done. You will punish yourself for everything, cry your eyes out and this is okay. It is okay feel sad, to feel the need to go back to the familiar past because only then you will emerge out stronger. UNDERSTAND ONE THING. It was not mean to be.
You don’t need the universe to give you signs to follow something. Nor do you have to wait for the things to fit perfectly. Don’t let the TV characters tell you how love should feel like. Don’t let a story tell you where and how you should find love. You find love when you feel it. That is the perfect moment. You tell them. You invest in them. You make mistakes, have misunderstandings, be angry, fight, and then YOU COME BACK. You will forgive them no matter what. You will stick to them and they will stick to you. Because now, between you, nothing will be greater than the love you have. And that is the relationship you deserve to get. Because soulmates aren’t just two pieces of one soul, they are two pieces of constantly working souls, working together, striving together, for each other.
The “hot and happening boys” brigade of my school never approached me because I was an average looking girl. I had a wonderful circle of friends and I was focused in studies, extracurricular activities and self development. Devoid of much attention in my teens didn’t make me jealous, yet I felt bad for not being as attractive as other girls. This continued so in my college as well.
Today, after 2 years of leaving my campus education, I have started getting into limelight. I won’t say I have become more attractive with respect to the societal norms, but yes I do agree I have improved considerably not because I have grown miraculously beautiful overnight but because I have invested time and energy on myself and have reaped self awakening and self confidence. So much so that the same “hot and happening boys” brigade started chasing me out of nowhere. Starting with complimenting my pictures on social media platform, then asking me for my number, then asking me out for a date, then asking to meet over a drink and finally showering me with sassy words like “hot”, “sexy”, “nice figure”, “nice butt”, “mind blowing rear” etc.
At first I thought I should consider taking those as compliments, but sooner I realized the ugly direction this was turning towards. Suddenly being good looking became a crime! Thank god I had my senses intact, I did not fall for those words otherwise he would have had me wasted over drinks and soon gotten physical with me in no time. Who would I have blamed then? Kejriwal? Modi? Delhi Police? Imagine a female ‘complimenting’ a male for his privates. Hard to imagine? Now imagine a male ‘complimenting’ a female for her privates. Easy to imagine? There is a difference between complimenting sensibly and targeting private parts in specific. Now that I look like a fleshy hourglass figured woman, I see how the perspective has changed. I wouldn’t blame men completely for this, for they have never been opposed by females in their lives previously and this is their norm. Females must have blushed and have had hots for such sassy “compliments”, but I have never enjoyed such stinking words thrown at me, especially by those who know me only virtually or like an acquaintance. I am a human being. I have numerous strata of my own. I have many more dimensions of myself beyond my curvy figure, appealing personality or an attractive smile. I have a brain full of knowledge. I have a heart full of emotions and experiences. I have had my moments of success and failure. I am a sister, a daughter, a best friend, a fiancée. I have a strong philosophical side. I am a soul. I have a boundless existence. I am an ocean of patience and love but if you try to break me, remember I also possess the ability to represent the very famous Indian goddess to rip apart your ego so bad that you won’t stand up straight. I may not harm you directly. I may not demean you like you just did, but I surely will give you my piece of mind sooner or later. That will get you tossed down.
This makes me wonder how other females holding considerably important and prestigious positions in corporate houses or government must be dealing with similar situations. I am surprised how these men judge me on physical level. Come sit with me, have a mature conversation and let’s figure out then if you could outflank me or not. I am way beyond my physical “sexy” state. I have reached this level on the basis of my hard work, cluster of shame, chunk of failures, mindfulness, hours of study etc. I have grown out of those hardships and you have no right to belittle me by those words. I choose my credibility and attitude as my identity over my looks and figure. May you judge me on my credibility and not physique; you shall know how brainsick you have been otherwise. I wanted to meet this “sassy” mouthed guy and give him a good lesson for life. But instead of arguing with him and many others, I peacefully chose to frame this article and make it public to address a greater audience. I don’t intent to address all men here. I know there are certain sensible men reading this for which I would thank them for not being such jerks. My target is of two kinds; men who demean women and women who let men demean women. Delhi is regarded as a capital of spoilt brats, rightly so. Once someone told me- “You can find laundey here but not men (read humans)”. It is absolutely hurtful to hear such comments for a girl who belongs to Delhi since her first breath. This issue, however, leaks beyond the geographical boundaries.
Appendix: I do not intend to argue on how one should think and express. My purpose is to elucidate that nobody holds a one dimensional entity. One must not be perceived on face value (read physical value) and be termed with sassy words. I would any day love to hear compliments like “beautiful”, “smart”, “intelligent”, “nice thought” over “hot”, “sexy”, “hot”, “bomb” etc. I am also aware of the fact that by punching keys on my laptop I can only complaint and express my thoughts. But it is certain that this little ripple thus created is far better than being ignorant and accept dullard comments. I am aware that there are females who enjoy and accept such “compliments”. Remember how shamefully those common Hindi curse words have now carelessly seeped into everybody’s language? So have those sassy “compliments”. Let us re-think and re-establish our conscience to enrich the next generations. If my words make a speck in your thought process, it will be an achievement.
- – Anonymous
Birthed in the same cave,
We spent our first and last moments together,
Unknown of each other.
Captured by the same butcher,
Cut off and separated apart,
Unaware of the presence of each other.
Cast by the same hands,
Molded into similar shapes,
Smelling breaths of each other.
Staying close to one another.
Broken and twirled,
Fixed and swirled,
We look like each other.
Running on the same paths,
Desperate, lonely, tireless and adamant,
Constantly searching for each other,
My brother, My pal.
Pink Pink Everywhere,
Not a bit of flesh to spare!
Pink pink everywhere,
Not a tiny soul to care!
Flowers on the front garden,
A lake at the back,
A perch for birds at the top,
A cage for the girl in that.
He caressed the plantation around,
Filled in music in the air.
Granted love in and about,
Crushed the one that longed in there.
She lived her life in dismay and despair,
He was different in her eyes and ear,
Something else she heard and thought,
Something else she saw and felt.
Her fear was pointless, they said.
Her words proved to be meaningless.
But she knew in her heart,
His mask hid an ugly head.
The world only saw what he showed,
They believed what he told,
None made an effort to look,
Inside the house beautiful and bold.
Pink pink everywhere they saw,
Pink pink he bestowed.
The pink was not cultivated anywhere,
It was her he cut through.
Move on. Leave it all behind. Even if u don’t want to. I know it hurts. It has held u tight. Won’t get off.
Push it. Use ur strength. All of it. Push it away. Separate it from u. Turn away. Start walking.
Look back. Take a last look. Remember what it was like. The good parts first. The bad parts then. Appreciate the former ones. Thank for the amazing moments. Remember that feeling. It will keep ur heart warm. Will stop u from hating. Feel sorry for the latter ones. Learn from them. Promise that wont happen again. Don’t forget them. They’ll keep u strong. Remind u why u had to let go in the first place.
Close ur eyes. Turn again. Open them. There’s a whole new path waiting for u. The one that u didn’t even know existing. Jump again. Feel the flutter. Its a new opportunity. Open ur arms. Welcome it.
Give life another chance. Let it try to make u happy again. Charge up. Love again. Fall again. Be wiser. Live again.