Growing up in a world preaching about the importance of good actions, I was always cautious about the consequences of my deeds on other people.
So every day at night, I used to introspect my day’s actions and their consequences on other people. What I discovered was that no matter how much I tried, I always ended up hurting somebody, and thus began my journey to be the most apologetic person you could ever meet. I used to feel so guilty of the damages done to the other people that day, that the next day, I would devise ways to make it right. My todays began to be more about fixing yesterday’s actions rather than focusing on that day’s necessities.
Then, one day when I couldn’t fix anymore, I decided that I don’t need to be worried about hurting everybody, just the right people. The people who did good to the world, and always took the right decision. This came with the tedious task of choosing who fell in that group and that’s when it struck me, I was bad at making judgments. I was so scared of judging anyone wrongly, that I would always found a way to be more understanding towards them and then this time I embraced worrying about everyone. THIS WAS THE BIGGEST MISTAKE I HAD EVER DONE.
What I forgot to consider was, that while being fair to everybody, I started being unfair to myself. And this is awakened the devil inside me. Every good deed I did for others, subconsciously triggered a counter selfish deed and before I realized it, I had a reward planned for myself for each of my ‘selfless’ deeds and then later a sacrifice to make up of for my guilt for wanting the reward in the first place. My mind was caught in the endless cycle of doing what I should do and what I wanted to do and it was eating me up with every passing moment. I struggled to find a way out. I was far from the shore and drowning each day till one day when I couldn’t even make it through the next minute. The cycle now took seconds instead of days to toss itself between the extremes and I was gagged between the two trying to figure out my next move towards the day. I felt sorry for myself and apologetic for each second of my existence. My anxiety had managed to get the better of me and I found myself staring into the dark and the only way I could think of snapping out of it was shutting those voices out even if it meant letting go of the ‘amazing’ future it promised me. Because I couldn’t be a better person tomorrow if I was not able to decide what was better for myself today.
One thing I would like to share about anxiety is that it grips your confidence. It makes you question everything that ever made you happy and blames you for everything that didn’t. You get so scared about screwing your future up that you over-think your each step and in the process of being extra-cautious, hinder the natural course of the things. So you have to start fighting it yourself, from wherever you are, whenever you can. I started it by trying to trust myself again, taking one day at a time and trying to be sure just about making the next step right and not think about the future. I am still doing that hoping that one day my fears will go away and my mind will again be able to make good, balanced decisions (those I won’t be apologetic for).
I ask the person reading this, if you relate to it and are looking for a way out, try separating your instincts from your anxious impulses. You will definitely be able to find your way out of the dark. Also, remember one thing, often what happens in our minds is directly related to the things happening in our lives. If possible, try to distance yourself from all the negative people around you. Your mind will tell you to not abandon them as you might have said or done something wrong to them too but it is highly probable that they are using your doubts to manipulate you. Moving away from them will give you a clearer picture and you will be able to evaluate things in a more logical way. After evaluating the bigger picture, if you think that they aren’t as negative as they seemed to be, go back to them but just instead of apologizing for all the wrong things, try to talk to them and tell them what made you doubt them. It the care for you, they will be truthful to you and you both can find a solution to make things work.
If you do not relate to it but have a friend who is facing a similar situation, please do help them. Sometimes, you just need to talk to the other person and show them how silly their doubts are and they go away easily. But if you cannot, at least be kind and compassionate to them. Fighting your inner battles ain’t easy and the fact that they wake up each day to do that shows how strong they are. On the other side, if they aren’t able to wake up another day, respect them for trying till now. Many times, all the motivation that a person needs to keep fighting is an acknowledgment of their bravery in their previous battles.
If you are both the person going through the same and having a friend going through it too, you have a chance to fight together. If you cannot see a way out of your darkness, look through the darkness of others. Many times in these cases, we are able to see what’s right and wrong for the other person than we can for yourself. Once you see that, think if there is a possibility that you might be confusing the same rights and wrongs. Your friends problem may act as mirrors of your own and soon you will be able to figure out solutions for your problems. Fight for each other, tell them where you think its their anxiety that’s acting instead of them and give them strength to take control of their actions again. Lighting candles for each other will ward away your darkness as well.
If you are none of the other persons, I am very glad that you have been able to hold your ground this far. Keep believing in yourself, stay logical and kind in your decisions and just make sure that your fears only make you alert, not weak. Never let your worries cripple your thoughts and if they do, find their source and fix them. Because apologetic or not, you did try your best AND THAT IS ENOUGH.