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Unapologetic, how difficult can it be?

 

 

Growing up in a world preaching about the importance of good actions, I was always cautious about the consequences of my deeds on other people.

So every day at night, I used to introspect my day’s actions and their consequences on other people. What I discovered was that no matter how much I tried, I always ended up hurting somebody, and thus began my journey to be the most apologetic person you could ever meet. I used to feel so guilty of the damages done to the other people that day, that the next day, I would devise ways to make it right. My todays began to be more about fixing yesterday’s actions rather than focusing on that day’s necessities.

Then, one day when I couldn’t fix anymore, I decided that I don’t need to be worried about hurting everybody, just the right people. The people who did good to the world, and always took the right decision.¬†This came with the tedious task of choosing who fell in that group and that’s when it struck me, I was bad at making judgments. I was so scared of judging anyone wrongly, that I would always found a way to be more understanding towards them and then this time I embraced worrying about everyone. THIS WAS THE BIGGEST MISTAKE I HAD EVER DONE.

What I forgot to consider was, that while being fair to everybody, I started being unfair to myself. And this is awakened the devil inside me. Every good deed I did for others, subconsciously triggered a counter selfish deed and before I realized it, I had a reward planned for myself for each of my ‘selfless’ deeds and then later a sacrifice to make up of for my guilt for wanting the reward in the first place. My mind was caught in the endless cycle of doing what I should do and what I wanted to do and it was eating me up with every passing moment. I struggled to find a way out. I was far from the shore and drowning each day till one day when I couldn’t even make it through the next minute. The cycle now took seconds instead of days to toss itself between the extremes and I was gagged between the two trying to figure out my next move towards the day. I felt sorry for myself and apologetic for each second of my existence. My anxiety had managed to get the better of me and I found myself staring into the dark and the only way I could think of snapping out of it was shutting those voices out even if it meant letting go of the ‘amazing’ future it promised me. Because I couldn’t be a better person tomorrow if I was not able to decide what was better for myself today.

One thing I would like to share about anxiety is that it grips your confidence. It makes you question everything that ever made you happy and blames you for everything that didn’t. You get so scared about screwing your future up that you over-think your each step and in the process of being extra-cautious, hinder the natural course of the things. So you have to start fighting it yourself, from wherever you are, whenever you can. I started it by trying to trust myself again, taking one day at a time and trying to be sure just about making the next step right and not think about the future. I am still doing that hoping that one day my fears will go away and my mind will again be able to make good, balanced decisions (those I won’t be apologetic for).

I ask the person reading this, if you relate to it and are looking for a way out, try separating your instincts from your anxious impulses. You will definitely be able to find your way out of the dark.¬†Also, remember one thing, often what happens in our minds is directly related to the things happening in our lives. If possible, try to distance yourself from all the negative people around you. Your mind will tell you to not abandon them as you might have said or done something wrong to them too but it is highly probable that they are using your doubts to manipulate you. Moving away from them will give you a clearer picture and you will be able to evaluate things in a more logical way. After evaluating the bigger picture, if you think that they aren’t as negative as they seemed to be, go back to them but just instead of apologizing for all the wrong things, try to talk to them and tell them what made you doubt them. It the care for you, they will be truthful to you and you both can find a solution to make things work.

If you do not relate to it but have a friend who is facing a similar situation, please do help them. Sometimes, you just need to talk to the other person and show them how silly their doubts are and they go away easily. But if you cannot, at least be kind and compassionate to them. Fighting your inner battles ain’t easy and the fact that they wake up each day to do that shows how strong they are. On the other side, if they aren’t able to wake up another day, respect them for trying till now. Many times, all the motivation that a person needs to keep fighting is an acknowledgment of their bravery in their previous battles.

If you are both the person going through the same and having a friend going through it too, you have a chance to fight together. If you cannot see a way out of your darkness, look through the darkness of others. Many times in these cases, we are able to see what’s right and wrong for the other person than we can for yourself. Once you see that, think if there is a possibility that you might be confusing the same rights and wrongs. Your friends problem may act as mirrors of your own and soon you will be able to figure out solutions for your problems. Fight for each other, tell them where you think its their anxiety that’s acting instead of them and give them strength to take control of their actions again. Lighting candles for each other will ward away your darkness as well.

If you are none of the other persons, I am very glad that you have been able to hold your ground this far. Keep believing in yourself, stay logical and kind in your decisions and just make sure that your fears only make you alert, not weak. Never let your worries cripple your thoughts and if they do, find their source and fix them. Because apologetic or not, you did try your best AND THAT IS ENOUGH.

 

A letter to anybody dealing with a break up

You gave your heart to someone, it was magical, the stars signaled for it, the universe conspired it, your partner was perfect, everything just fit. But then they started to fall apart. The stars took a different direction, the universe bumped into other signals, your lover turned their back to you and everything you clung on suddenly collapsed.
I am not going to tell you that it’s okay. It’s not. It hurts, it pains, it fills you with regrets. You will go through the conversations again. Try to find faults and fix them. Fill up your mind with what-ifs. For all the stupid fights you had, for all the wrong words that were said, for everytime you took a lie too far and for every little act wasn’t supposed to be done. You will punish yourself for everything, cry your eyes out and this is okay. It is okay feel sad, to feel the need to go back to the familiar past because only then you will emerge out stronger. UNDERSTAND ONE THING. It was not mean to be.

You don’t need the universe to give you signs to follow something. Nor do you have to wait for the things to fit perfectly. Don’t let the TV characters tell you how love should feel like. Don’t let a story tell you where and how you should find love. You find love when you feel it. That is the perfect moment. You tell them. You invest in them. You make mistakes, have misunderstandings, be angry, fight, and then YOU COME BACK. You will forgive them no matter what. You will stick to them and they will stick to you. Because now, between you, nothing will be greater than the love you have. And that is the relationship you deserve to get. Because soulmates aren’t just two pieces of one soul, they are two pieces of constantly working souls, working together, striving together, for each other.

Let go.

Move on. Leave it all behind. Even if u don’t want to. I know it hurts. It has held u tight. Won’t get off.

Push it. Use ur strength. All of it. Push it away. Separate it from u. Turn away. Start walking.

Look back. Take a last look. Remember what it was like. The good parts first. The bad parts then. Appreciate the former ones. Thank for the amazing moments. Remember that feeling. It will keep ur heart warm. Will stop u from hating. Feel sorry for the latter ones. Learn from them. Promise that wont happen again. Don’t forget them. They’ll keep u strong. Remind u why u had to let go in the first place.

Close ur eyes. Turn again. Open them. There’s a whole new path waiting for u. The one that u didn’t even know existing. Jump again. Feel the flutter. Its a new opportunity. Open ur arms. Welcome it.

Give life another chance. Let it try to make u happy again. Charge up. Love again. Fall again. Be wiser. Live again.

Rims.

Every human is guarded by his boundaries, outlined by his verges and obstructed by his limitations. Some know their own, some act upon and improve and some preserve. Whatever way, these Rims around the person grants him a periphery bubble, with its own colours that grants them their respective view of the outside.

An inexpressive child uses his bubble to protect his innocence, a full grown resides in the same with full comfort and the weak are trapped within. This blob may be made of sparkles of love, fogs of greed, clouded by discomfort and sprayed by motivation. It moves alongwith the entity it holds and reflects its thoughts.

We all have heard about the story of the dog who tries to find his way to a bone in the neighbouring yard and on finding the same follows the path everyday to reach his food. This achievement overcame his desire to find shorter or alternate routes to his destination thus showing how success can kill your thirst for creativity.

In the Mahabharata, Yudhisthir defines fear as the power to be alert. It makes a warrior fully aware of his rival and provides time and space to prepare for it.

The Gospel of Luke has shown how the ability to look beyond human creed can provide comfort. It awakens you to your higher duties and clears the vision for the soul to see better.

The Ramayana shows how enormous success can blind your emotions. Your acceleration for your desires can deprive you of the taste of true nectar.

The history is full of examples of how virtues sometimes blind your vision for the evil and how vices often give rise to goodness.

Each one of us know a person who is made of steel but then this strength makes them hard too. Each of us have a friend who sets a bar for us but is also our greatest comfort. Each of us have a companion whom we disapprove of but is a reflection of our behaviour. Each of us are thankful for the people we love and despise of the ones we dislike. Our perceptions block our vision to look at the truth. This bottleneck at times become a blessing by keeping the tenderness alive by not exposing the harsh realities to the fragile, but at times, handicap us to realize the softness within.

The walls we create around our minds also have some windows making room for expansions, abundant improvements, high rate of errors, inflating the balloon. We just have to make sure it doesn’t ruptures out our soul, our survival and our matter. The Rim around us define us, the definition is created by us.

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